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A Little Mind Chaos

I find that when I want to buy outfits, I think in terms of an aesthetics that I’d like to look like or what “spiritual” people ought to look like. I compare the dress that I run my hand through with the images fleeting through my head until I remember that it’s not enough to want to look a certain way but to also love what I’m buying. What if I buy a gown that is spiritual enough and yet I barely wear it because I think the color or design is ugly?

The same goes for going through life and the tons of advice that I’ve garnered through my short years since the beginning of my awakening. “Do this,” “don’t do that,” “it’s this way,” “behave like this.” It’s all so confusing really. Everybody has something to say. Everybody has a piece of advice, a belief, a way of life that has helped them through a period of time. Perhaps abstaining from sex for a couple of years is great to get to know yourself and your energy. And then the year after, you want to try out sex magick and tantra with your one selected sexual partner.

I think my issue now is that I learned a lot of wisdom, listened to a lot of advice, and consumed a lot of content. Now, they are a jumble in my head.

I have trouble recalling a piece of wisdom when I need it. And when I do, there’s always a counteracting wisdom. “Be nice. Help people. Make them happy. Serve others. Nothing makes you happier than to put a smile on someone’s face. Sacrifice a little for others. Let people be themselves. Don’t judge. Be all accepting. Be tolerant. Be patient. Just love.”

And then the next moment, I remember that this life period is mine. I’m meant to be selfish. To put myself first. To learn to selfishly care for myself. To let go of people who aren’t good for me. To create boundaries. To love but as long long as they don’t disrespect me.

What piece of advice do I follow? What path do I walk? Who do I listen to? Everyone has a piece of advice. Every voice is the voice of God. Everyone has something worth listening to. Learn from others. Be open to learning from the mistakes of others. Listen to the wisdom of the elders. But how do you know when that wisdom apply to your current life? What if that advice is rooted in fear and cowardice?

All practices have wisdom. All is right. Don’t be a fool, even the greatest masters learned from others. Follow that path. They know better. But if everyone is a follower, who becomes the leader? Who becomes the creator? Who becomes the knowledge seeker? The experiencer? The one who can drag down wisdom and understanding from high above into this realm?

I am experiencing a new life phase, relearning who I am, rebuilding a foundation based on me, my knowledge, my understanding. But internally it feels like I’m wading through thick, muddy waters. Looking for the little bit of clean spots in the dirt. Trying to differentiate and filter between my own knowledge and experiences vs the things I’ve picked up along the way. Where do I stop and others begin?

We are constantly being conditioned. Collective consciousness. Collective unconscious. Collective ego. Collectivity. Who I am is as a result of my environment and my experiences. The concept of I is only held up by my surroundings and my memories and experiences. I know these things. But I have lost my understanding of them. I do not feel them anymore. They feel like things I learned and knew so surely years ago.

I. I am confused. A conflicted mess of confusion. Wanting to draw upon the understanding of the past but being forced to move to the future; to gain a new perspective. I’m being forced to change. To become someone new. But I don’t know who this new person is. I cannot grasp the concept of myself within this change. I look in the mirror and do not recognize myself. Where have I gone? Hiding? Or just not fully formulated yet?

I doubt myself a lot. Should I move out at once or find an easier way of doing so? Which is right? Which is more loving? Should I find a 9-5 or keep hoping my efforts pay off? Is my urge to quit my job me being lazy and intolerant? Or is it because it doesn’t fuel my soul? But it gives me an avenue to educate people; to discuss the issues I want to discuss to a wider range of audience. Do I try to understand Christianity? Going to church isn’t all that bad. I can endure 2 hours if irritation and annoyance to appease someone. Perhaps I shouldn’t always be selfish. I am being selfish. I don’t care as deeply for people as I should. But I am human and this is how humans are. We all have flaws. I’m not perfect.  I need to accept myself as I am. But I can change. I’m always changing. I can be better.

But why do I give myself this much pressure? Why do I expect so much from myself? Why do I push myself this hard? And how do I stop? I am maddeningly aware of the thoughts that play out in my head and of who I am. But I cannot stop. The actor being ensnared by the character. An ego trip. An ego trap.

It’s like I’m in the inbetween—seeing myself as a human, seeing the character I play, remembering that I’m not the character but the actor but never fully able to remember that I’m not the character. A knowledge that gave me understanding. But when the understanding is gone, all that’s left is the knowledge that I’m not even sure how it comes into play.

Maybe my mind is fractured. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe this is all so normal and I think myself too self important. Who knows really what the minds of others are like? What their thoughts are like? Do they constantly self-therapize? Self soothe? Self criticize? Is this normal you who is reading this? What is your mind like? Organized? Easily shoved into a corner? Or chaotic like mine? What wisdom do you have? What advice? Perhaps it shall resonate with some long lost piece of knowledge that I have and that I require for the right now.

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