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Life and all its variations

I like to think that I am learning a little something about life and human nature. I am learning that people are really different and it’s in the recognition of that difference that love and understanding emerges.

You have to actually save for your money to increase, business is a really good back up plans, and never stop until you have what you want. Because what you want already exists and there’s nothing preventing you from obtaining that except yourself.

It’s hard for almost everyone to admit how they feel so if you can so easily confess or admit to your feelings, romantic and platonic, you’re one step ahead of everyone.

Everyone has their shadows and flaws. Some are easy at laughing at their own selves. Others want to still retain their image of self perfection, so they find it harder to investigate themselves.

Some people do “fun” things like roll down hills covered in bubble wrap. While others have fun by going to the library and dancing in the middle of the night with a joint in hand. Everyone is different.

Some people are naturally good cooks while others, like me, nees to pay a little more attention to get the food tasting just right. Some people are more observant too. Observation is a skill that can be cultivated. Paying attention to the details of things. How the pot is really fashioned, the way the birds are few in the sky today, or the scenery of a movie. Watch the other characters and not just the main actors.

Some people are more “agreeable.” They are flexible and understanding of different views and perspectives. They aren’t rigid and are willing to change their minds. Some people prefer others talking about themselves. Some prefer talking about themselves. Some people are nice. Others are understanding. Some are wise; sages because they can easily call on knowledge and wisdom to help them make the best life decisions. Others are more risk takers. They don’t mind buying from strangers online and going on adventures with people they’ve never met before.

We all have these human qualities at different variations. That’s what I’m learning. I don’t always have to be right. I need to let down my pride and learn from others. I need to interact more with people that aren’t as privileged as I am. I’m not quite sure what respect means but I know I’d like to have that for everyone.

To be treated as responsible, I have to be responsible. Steve Harvey gave a brilliant response to a question that I didn’t know that I was asking. If I wanted to be treated as independent, then I have to become independent. What do I contribute to the house? Do I buy groceries? Do I pay for everything myself? Can I buy furniture? Can I pay for renovations? Can I find handimen and pay them off myselves? What about the light bill? Do I refill the meter? Have I taken on that responsibility myself to say that I can then handle it in the future? Can I take care of myself? What do I eat? Do I pay for all my transport myself? My anger, rage and pride prevents me from seeing my own shadow in regards to my parents. All I can think about is how they failed me emotionally. Not realizing that not everyone can so easily listen, or be there to fulfill my emotional needs. Isn’t that why people get into polyamorous relationships? Because they recognize that different people can meet different needs? Of course, I’d like just one person that can fulfill most of my needs: attention, love, intimacy, communication, growth, knowledge, stability and partnership.

We all go through challenges and we learn from them. We reflect and we notice ourselves. A major varying point is our spiritual or religious beliefs. That begs the question, what do non-religious or spiritual people think about in place of being present and enlightenment and healing? At what point do we defer?

Apart from spirituality, what am I into? I’d like to create a distinct separation. Get to know this shell of me. I like psychedelics and cannabis. I like magic and the thoughts of fairies and goblins living in another realm. I believe in angels and demons, but I do not know their purposes. They are all speculations and assumptions. I understand that weed allows the time to fly past really quickly and it makes everything tolerable. I’m less anxious, and more willing to just have fun. I’m less living in the future and more just seeking peace. I criticize myself less and I find that I can hyper focus a little easier. I also really like interior decor. I like travel, adventure. Solo trips. I don’t like parties where I can’t leave when I want to because of transport. I don’t like parties where I barely know anyone period. Even though I’ve really only been to two parties really. Three if you count my high school graduation party where I got really black out drunk and I realized that I really couldn’t trust my so called friends then.

It’s okay not to reciprocate feelings. Just don’t lead the other person on without letting them know that you don’t feel the same back. You don’t have to date everyone that pays attention to you or that you click with. Except if it’s a type of connection that you know you might never share with anyone else again. People get married within 3 months of knowing each other. It’s okay to take your time getting to know someone too. But don’t take too long. 5 months is more than enough “talking phase.” Anything more and you know that you really don’t see a future with them.

Let yourself be seen. Let yourself be vulnerable. You make the closest connections that way. And I am definitely done trying to conform to someone’s idea of who a woman ought to be like. I’m done trying to please someone’s aesthetics of who or how they think I should be like. I want to have the courage to just be wildly me and create the space for whoever would love me, to love me as I wholly am. I am struggling to know myself as it is. I do not need someone’s weight of their projection on me. But sometimes we do project, don’t we? We really are just flawed. I suppose where it’s at is in the recognition and acceptance of each other’s and our own flaws.

Life and all its variations. We really are all just different. How then can I be angry at anyone if I, myself, am flawed?


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