I am undoubtedly depressed and yet I still struggle to fully admit it. I’ve struggled with depression, loneliness and anxiety for as long as I can remember but I had thought and hoped that I had resolved the internal turmoil that raged within me.
Mostly because I have no concrete reason to be depressed. Except that I have worn myself too thin and I have an urge to run away. I need peace. I need solitude. I need freedom. I compare myself to the me of a couple of months ago that felt dangerously high levels of peace and contentment to the me now who can barely stand herself. Who is either always tipsy or high. With the occassional middle ground of sobriety. I run from myself because I’m too hard on myself. I’m the rational one. The strong one. The confident one. The spiritual one. The one that knows better or should know better.
I expect a lot from myself. I’m too hard on myself. But I don’t know how to be anything else except from hard. I’m soft sometimes. But my interior feels like a rock wall of stability and rationality.
I’m yet again a little tipsy. I think I might now understand why I can’t remain sober for long. Being some sort of high lowers my walls and makes me feel, even for such a short period of time. It makes me recognize myself. I can be conscious when not sober. It’s a skill I learnt. But I don’t want to be. In tired of being in control. Maybe that’s it. That I want to give my control away briefly. I want to give myself away briefly. I don’t want to be rock hard. I want to be soft and to melt into someone. I can’t even say I want to melt into myself because I’m avoiding myself.
I’m constantly seeking someone to distract me from myself. To fill in the hole that lays nested deep within me. I have big dreams. Dreams that involve a lot of money. But I don’t know how to get such amount of money without slaving off in the capitalist system. Why am I even against the capitalist system? I just hate work. I find it unnecessary. Why do I want to keep fueling a system that doesn’t give a fuck about me? Just more social media, more destroying the planet, more distractions, more advertising, more draining our energy, more. But then I see the importance of the internet and the amount of knowledge that I have at my fingertips. I see how well I can promote myself and my business when I eventually decide to restart making candles again. I see the usefulness of a system that I have come so much to hate.
But I still don’t want to work when the work is so unnecessary. Does it promote peace or just creates more self-distancing? I don’t want to work for that culture. That’s not me. But I’m so scared. So so scared that I might have to fall into the system to get what I want. So I have big dreams of buying land, building a home and running away to a far away place. But where will the money come from?
I can almost force myself to work if necessary but I really don’t want to.
I want to be soft. I want to have that mindset that allows me to rest and to be easy instead of the constant voice of criticism that pervades my every waking moment.
I was once a witch. Magick is cool. I love the little spell bottles. The occult makes you feel powerful as hell. It hands you the power. It puts it in your own hands. The other road is one of flow. One of purity and of enlightenment. One that says you should be more light than shadow. One that says the occult is evil. Even though you are an experience of God and that the universe is abundant, you shouldn’t use up any more energy than necessary or else you incur karmic debt.
Now I’m stuck in the middle, constantly trying to self sooth as my mind is cracked open and my beliefs are shattered and tested. I am so exhausted of doubting myself. Of wondering which way I should walk. Which path I should walk. Even the pathless path seems to hold rules. I can be either good or evil, light or shadow. When my being holds the capacity for the two. Even though I am the two. Even though I am both good and evil. I am both light and dark. Why do I have to deny a part of myself to see God? What does it mean to be human? And why is my humanity rebuked or considered as lower? Why is an innate part of myself considered evil? Why do I have to cleanse myself of myself?
Music is playing in the background, I’m considering polishing off my bottle of wine and going to buy more. I feel sober and clear but I want to drown in my sorrows. It’s all in my mind. I know. I know that very much. I can change my thoughts and my thinking. But for this moment, I want to remain sad. I was to remain lost in my emotions. I want to sink and swim in them. I want to be just me. I want to get lost in myself. I want to allow myself the opportunity the feel. I don’t want to clam up just yet. Then when I’m ready, I can try to begin to reprogram my thoughts. I can try to focus on my breathing and I can try to find my center even though I don’t know how to do any of that.
My spirituality is me based. I’ve come this far. I’ve learnt so much. And I’ve tried to give myself structure.
But now, I need to know why I should reject my humanity and my desires and my shadow. Or if I should accept myself wholly as I am. Otherwise, I don’t think the voice of my inner criticism can rest.