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What life lesson are you learning?

I haven’t written in a while. Well, I have written but I just haven’t written anything for my blog…obviously. I can’t quite say why that is. Maybe it’s because I’ve been dealing to some degrees with imposter syndrome. I saw the increase in my blog views, I saw the genuine feedback and love and yet, some part of my mind was so closed off to the little things, wanting more; constantly seeking more. I remember when I first started this blog and I was happy just to post. I was happy just to be and to express. It wasn’t with the intentions of gaining an audience. But I think overtime, social media kind of cultivates that aspect of you. It cultivates your need to put yourself out there I order to receive some kind of attention. We have the like buttons where people can approve of you just being yourself or being the self that you project into the world.

I have had a lot of realizations. I have grown a lot. And I have experienced a lot—even though my experience lies mostly in the mindscape. I do not feel like the same girl that I was a couple of months prior. And I do not yet feel like the woman that I aspire to be. I am stuck in this liminal space where it feels like I have to dissect every single belief or opinion that I hold in order to come to the truth of life. It feels like I can’t land on neither this or that until I have experienced such for myself to hold that belief or opinion. I am yet to learn the importance of being clean despite me constantly cleaning and tidying up. It feels like an action that I was conditioned to do. But I do not know the why yet because the why hasn’t yet become important enough to discover. I am learning to be patient and to be loving and to accepting of situations that I cannot change. I am learning to find the things that I can cling on to to be grateful about too. I see my lessons laid out before me. And I understand that this is a rite of passage that I must go through in order for me to be shaped out into who I want to be. it doesn’t make it any less exhausting though.

I say that I am disassociating. But I can’t tell if this is disassociation anymore or if this is real life. Life just feels like life. And life is just passing. I didn’t realize how much I missed writing. I have been training my voice you see. I have been trying my channeling. I have been investing time and energy into my podcasts and my YouTube. I have finally been able to cross that threshold to display myself for the whole world to see without being ashamed of who I am. It too a lot of courage. But now, it just takes consistency.

I am learning to be here and alive. I have had some sort of Self-realization. You can check out the thought process that led me to that here. I learned about love so I loved and I was love. And I thought my love would be enough to teach someone to treat me right. And I have learned that lesson too. I have learnt the lesson of self-worth and self-confidence. I have learnt to walk away when I see or notice that I’m not being treated right. I am learning to stand up for myself and to speak my mind. I am learning that unconditional love doesn’t mean self-sacrifice and it must include boundaries. I am learning to be human and yet divine. To choose myself and yet to choose others too. Life is a tricky journey. It’s an exhausting one. But one that must be had and lived anyway. You just have to keep pushing until things get better.

Right now, I am trying to learn how to let go of control and constantly seeking out money. It’s not an easy journey. It’s probably one of my hardest because now, I weight everything across a money-making scale. I am learning that it’s okay to have desires. It’s okay to want things. And it’s okay to rest. I am learning that it’s okay to not always be in the spotlight and to even let go of being in the spotlight. I am far from fully learning this. And I am learning what I truly want out of life. I want to be an explorer of no just the earth and the physical world but also the of the cosmos. To be a truly life-long learner. I am learning to treat myself and my body right and to love and be accepting of who I am in entirety.

So, what are you learning? Leave a comment down below and let me know.

-Yours sincerely, Z

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