Last year, I had a plan. I had clear goals in my head. I was confident in them. I was going to get a hostel or an apartment in my final year of school, then I would go to a state of my choosing for my NYSC, which is this compulsory one-year program of work service in my country. Sometimes you get paid, sometimes you don’t. The job that I’d get during this period would be me writing to further put my name out there. This job would also be completely remote except for the days that I go in to submit my form. I would get paid nothing less than fifty thousand naira monthly, I would be in a new state so I would have my own place. Afterward, when the year is complete, I would remain in the state and continue working the job because I love the place that I am staying in and I love the job and the pay. Plus, I would have started my own business so I would really be saving and growing and experiencing and traveling and having fun. Even my podcast and YouTube channel would be doing much better. This blog will be too. This is how I would move out of my parent’s home; naturally and without conflict.
But then I let fear enter into my mind and get a hold of me. I let it limit me to a box, open for anything to happen to me, even those things that aren’t in alignment with my soul. I used the concept of “flow” as an excuse to allow myself to disassociate and sit on the back burner because I knew what I wanted but I couldn’t handle the weight of my decisions. I couldn’t handle the weight of my goals and my life plans. I couldn’t handle the thought of having to eventually stand up to my mother and say “no! I am moving out.” And so, I made myself numb. Numb to the discomfort. Numb to the frustration and internal anger. I am home now but I constantly feel on edge, especially when my parents are home. After the last conflict I had with my mother, I realized that home didn’t feel like home anymore. Now, it just feels like a place that I have to be till it’s time to move out, which is soon. My plan is still going on with or without me being present. I did get a hostel I school. This hostel is nice and it affords me the space to be able to smoke. I met someone. His home is almost becoming a safe space for me too. So, if I can shift my perspective of home away from my parent’s house to my school hostel and his place, till I can leave for NYSC, which is almost right after my graduation, then I wouldn’t have to come back here and stay for long-term every again. It would mostly just feel like a place where I can come to rest, and where the rest of my stuff will be.
I am currently listening to this reading by Akasha and one of the first statements she made was “how well do I believe in yourself?” Even the video is titled “Are you putting your desires on the back burner?” And considering that before this, I had discovered that I was disassociating because I was putting myself on the back burner and allowing fear to rule my soul; putting other people’s needs and opinions before mine, it seemed very fitting.
The concept is fear. My challenge is and was and will still be in overcoming the fear; the fear of being myself, the fear of expressing myself, the fear of letting others see who I am. It is in learning to either allow fear to limit me or to grow through it. It is fear. Fear is a dangerous emotion. You don’t even realize that is sneaking up on you until it does. it weasels its way into your mind and begins to control all of your decisions and thoughts. It’s like your viewpoint of the world begins to get filtered out through the perception of fear. You are constantly holding your breath, knowing that something has got to give, but you aren’t quite sure yet. I had to experience fear to understand it and to see how it plays out in my life.
So, if you are going through the same situation as I am if you are consumed by fear, begin by affirming what it is that you want out loud. Say it out. Do not speak it in your mind. Watch as the words feel foreign in your mouth, on your tongue. Watch it feel unsettled in your chest. And then come to realize that that little unsettled feeling that you have, that feeling that what you want just doesn’t sit right in your mind and in your heart, that is fear. It’s like you know what you want but you are putting a big maybe beside it because you are scared that it wouldn’t happen, or that someone else might not approve. It’s all fear. And it’s scary to realize how much our emotions could genuinely control us without us realizing it.
It is okay to question. It is okay to be and do outside the box. It’s okay to seek knowledge beyond the conventional. It’s okay to seek enlightenment, or the occult, or to be interested in aliens and alien communication. A lot of people will call you crazy, but you know, who isn’t crazy anyway?