I experienced an ego death, and now, I seek a soul retrieval

For a while now, I’ve spoken about being in a state of disassociation. But I finally came to realize that what I was experiencing was a soul loss. That’s why I’ve been feeling lost and anxious and not here. I further discovered that a soul loss can occur after an ego death or a trauma. But I haven’t really encountered any major trauma recently (except from the time I liked someone and she tried to tell me how I was feeling).

An ego death is when you integrate with your true nature. When you become the one; one with yourself and all that is, feeling connected to everything. I remember last month before I started my internship when I felt peace. I felt flow. Tao. Balanced. I felt like an integration of my shadow and my higher self, past duality, past judgement, past fear. I saw myself. I saw my heart. I saw my purpose. I saw me. Myself. Who I was. I was being.

But the more I went to work, and interacted with people and became stressed out, the more I lost my alignment. Energy exchange. I gave too much of myself and my peace and the energy I got back was toxic and duality and so I sunk further down into myself.

But I see now, and I know now what is happening. And that’s my new journey. That’s the new mountain that I have to climb. On discovering myself as I am, on accepting myself in my wholeness and on integrating every part of myself.

I have autism, I have dealt with eating disorders, I have self harmed, I am really scared because I know that in order to truly live the life that I want, I might have to gain full independence and lose family, I question if I really have anything to offer to anyone, and if I’m really helping or just transferring my pain to others. I am an empath. It has taken me so long to admit that. It feels like in my bid to lose the labels I began to reject parts of myself, instead of embracing them.

Soul loss is a little like you are more aware now, and you are seeing your shadow and flaws and fears and your judgements and projections but you don’t know how to stop it. It’s like the voices are so much and so jumbled up that you want to scream. It’s like physically hearing the chatter and you are behind a door or in a cage but you can’t quite see. You just know that you are misplaced. Like trying to look straight in your head, in your brain, in your mind but you can’t. You can’t quite focus. You are just lost. Holding on. And that’s what makes you exhausted. When you are lost but you have gained so much self confidence that you can only hold on and pray that you can help yourself back up.

A little insecure. Follow the feelings! That’s what they mean. Follow the feelings and follow the thoughts. Do not try to quell or dispel your thoughts and your insecurities so that you can return to the “now” and be present, you need to feel it. Feel it and then follow the thought as to the reason. And then you see served on a platter, your insecurities and you flaws and your shadow. And realizing that even calling them flaws is duality. Flaws instead of perfections. Recognizing yourself to be perfect in the wholeness. It’s about realizing your perfections and foregoing the flaws. You are still human though.

How to go from here? From following the teachings. The teachings of the Buddha and the teachings of Jesus and the teachings of the Shamans and of Yoga and of yourself but you need extra help by learning from scratch. Following one path from scratch. You have to choose only one and integrate it with the whole of your fullness.

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