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Words from My Shadow: I’m in resistance. Idk

I feel like I am not good enough. Like no matter what I do or how much I try, I will never obtain the level of fame that I seem. And that’s it. Fame. That’s what is making me sad. Imposter syndrome. Like I have nothing to offer the world. And I know that people say that you shouldn’t want the fame, but I mean you need to get people to notice you for you to earn money or even be known. To live the life you want, to get the money you want to live the life you want. Because if no one notices you when you write, then who will buy your book?

I feel sad. I feel miserable. I feel dejected. I feel lonely but also not really. I suppose I just need someone to talk to. But do I though? Do I really feel lonely though? I feel fine alone. I think I just feel tired. I feel tired. A deep tiredness. Drained. Like I want the world to stop and pause for a while. For me to catch my breathe and get my energy back and smile and interact. That me seems like a distant past. Like that wasn’t me. The me that smiled and felt gratitude and love and happiness. How can I feel that way again? How can I move forward? How can I connect with myself again? I feel the resistance. I feel. But I don’t feel. I don’t feel. I just am. Floating. Floating. All spacey. Sad. But not feeling. Like a minion, watching life happening to me. Experiencing life but just going through the necessary motions. I want to sleep for a while. I want to sleep for a very long while. I know what I want to do, and where I want to go. But I don’t have the strength to do it. I don’t have the will to do it. Who am I? Why? Idk. Idk. Idk. Idk. I feel cringe writing. I feel my self criticism at my self expression. I feel my shadow. I feel my resistance. But I think it’s fear. Fear of what? Fear that if I give this my all, that I’d end up back here again, stuck, unmoving, resistant, sad, pathetic, undoing, unimportant. Fear that if I truly try, I still wouldn’t be able to reach that level that I want. Fear that I don’t really know what I want. Fear. I feel my third eye ache. It’s not a headache. It’s a deep internal ache. You can always tell the difference. Idk. Idk. I’m just confused.

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