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Awareness, a quest for knowledge and a knowing beyond what I know

I think the greatest thing about being self aware is that you are constantly learning and growing. That’s what it’s about. Noticing your thinking patterns, noticing your negative thoughts, noticing how you are always falling into the space of the past or the future. That’s one thing I’m working on—remaining in the now. It’s currently 6:16am as I write this. I’m tired but unable to fall asleep and I am trying to guide me writing through intentions and the present moment.

Awareness also allows you to just observe and learn more about yourself and kind of begin to heal that aspect of you. I have been noticing a lot of my negative thinking lately and how my anxiety and overthinking stems from the future of “what could be” but not “what currently is.” We worry about the things that we don’t know about, about the things that we are unsure of, about what we think COULD happen. And everytime I begin to slip into the future of what could be, I bring myself back to the present and say “I don’t know. I don’t know anything. I don’t know the future.” And affirmations are the greatest things because they DO work. Repeating the same sentence over and over, especially to repel or override another thought works wonders. And that’s why you see Saddhus and Gurus and Monks repeating Mantras. Sound. Our words. We cast spells with our words and our thoughts. Our voice. Be careful how you use it.

I have been searching. Downloading books, YouTube videos, saving posts, watching, seeking. And it’s getting tiring. I know that we can’t always know until sometimes someone voices out what we know and we realize that we knew all along. And unless you are like Marahaji or that great Indian guru that Julia Robert’s visited (I forget his name), we haven’t gotten to that stage yet…that stage of constant all knowing ness. I feel like that’s the stage I am to get and that’s why I started all of this so young but it’s tough.

In 2/3 years, I’d be off to Mexico, healing and connecting through Ayahuasca and learning their traditions. My parents probably wouldn’t be proud but I am so sure of this decision. I feel like I should know but I don’t. Like there’s something to know. It’s deep and torturous to know there’s something but not to know what or how to know it. So I have been meditating quite often and at random times. If you’d like to join me on this strange quest to know, signify. Conquer the fear and experience the freedom. 6:26am.

Yesterday, I tried dmt and fell into meditation. Perhaps the dose wasn’t right because I didn’t really experience anything but I did fall into that space of asleep and awake. I can’t remember what I taught about, I can remember a slight design I saw but briefly. But after that, my knowing that I don’t know just grew stronger.

5 thoughts on “Awareness, a quest for knowledge and a knowing beyond what I know

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  1. Fascinating, a knowing of knowing something beyond what you know. When I was 17 I planned a trip to Peru to work with plant medicine, the tribes and be a shaman’s apprentice however those plans didn’t work out. Always keep the dream. ♥️


      1. Perhaps, all in divine timing.. Life can take us on roads that we never knew existed.. Are you planning on doing it soon? Blessed. 🙏🏻🪐


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