I kind of want to scream a little bit. I screamed into my pillow earlier this morning. Working off the energy of the full moon, I did an intention setting/spell craft ritual. Then I pulled some tarot cards for the coming month. Let’s just say that it was a manifestation ritual. And it made me realize 2 things:
1. I am not in alignment with myself
2. I need to start putting energy into what I want.
I think the trick with life is to balance the doing and the being. Like Eckhart Tolle said in an interview, we are human beings. Being is the natural state of man. And human is our need to do, our need for action, our “hustle” nature. Being is flowing with the natural wonders of life. Tao I think it’s called. That natural flow and ebb of life, of nature itself.
And I think that’s what is so great. That we were put here for a reason. We are humans for a reason. So being “human” is natural. It’s our physical. While “being” is our spiritual. And in order to fully live a balanced life, we have to learn to balance between the two. It’s like manifesting a new home. The home wouldn’t just fall into your laps. I mean, it might, in that a friend or a neighbor could call you up and tell you about this fantastic new house that they just came across. And then you see it and realize that it’s the home of your dreams. Or you could be on your way out and your eyes glance to the side and you see your dream home! But the action is that you have to call to find out if that place is available. And then you have to either save up for the place or you pay straight up and then you actually move. We cannot do without being human. It’s also in our very nature.
So you see how we are a balance of the two. One the natural way of life, the other the natural way of humanity.
But what the ritual (and the moment afterwards) taught me is that even though I have an IT job that pays okay, (it’s a copywriting gig), and I was saying recently that I wanted to go into the advertising/marketing space, it took only an interview with another job that involved creative writing to make me realize how much I actually hate advert. I had almost tried to unsuccessfully reprogram myself to believe that I liked it. It’s something I could tolerate and that I could fall back on, right? Because those are important. And it’s something that I would quite probably need in the future when I restart my business. So this isn’t a waste.
But the other time, I asked myself “who am I?” And the answer I got back was that “I am a creator.” In the sense that, when I’m not insecure that I’m not good enough, I enjoy drawing and writing and painting. I enjoy creating my podcast covers, and making videos and podcasts and writing blog posts. I really love writing blog posts. And I like writing poetry, and just creating. I create. That’s it. And I create from my heart. I create with passion. I love. I create with love and happiness and joy. And with a little bit on anxiety. And if I could create and make money off of that, I think I would be really happy. Where I’d never have to go into the office, wake up by 7am, hurry to be at work by 9am, close by 5pm. I hate that. I hate that will every fiber of my being. I am an inside person. I love being indoors and going out for recreational purposes. Someone (multiple someones) once said that I’m an old soul and I really believe that. Barely 20 and I’m already fed up of the doing and hustle bullshit. I just want to be this time. I think that’s my lesson for this lifetime: Just being.
I like learning about spirituality and magick. I haven’t done those things in such a long time with the exception of listening to podcasts or watching YouTube channels. I like the old, the slow, the alone. The alone with someone. Someone who also likes the alone. And that’s who I am beneath the labels—a creator, a creative. So even though I doubt myself, I have to now begin to actively create more. And that’s quite scary.
I haven’t cried in months. It’s not a flex. It’s torture. I can’t feel the emotions so I can’t react to them. I feel like this is either a self-fulfilling prophecy or I have been letting down my masks a lot recently to notice that I used to fake the emotions a lot. Either ways, can someone fucking recommend a very sad movie? Or at least a cheap therapist?