Who am I? That’s the question I ask myself? Who am I underneath all the labels and the identities. Who am I? I don’t know. I feel like an empty sac.
I feel a little lost. I think I want to maybe turn this blog into a little of what it once was, a personal blog. When I first started, it was just me and my 2 readers lol. Now, I keep thinking of posting contents that people would like and that makes me…annoyed? Idk. It’s moments like this that makes me realize that I really do find it hard to identify emotions.
I know the things I’m good at but when last did I feel passion, joy at doing something I love, when last did I LOVE something—a hobby, an action, an activity? I feel like I am just sailing through life, a mix of half baked talents and strong periods of unfeeling.
I felt nervous on Monday. That was the first time I felt that emotion in a long while. Today, I felt anxiety, twice I think. This was the first time I felt that emotion in a very long time too. My heart twinged, and it felt physically painful. I didn’t really like that feeling. I don’t still but I see how it is natural. And then I felt quite lonely. It’s so easy to become codependent on someone and you not know it. It feels like after learning how to be alone, I met someone I wanted to be alone with and now I have to relearn how to be alone again. It wasn’t an easy lesson the first time. It feels like a dark, shadow period is about to occur internally. Now I really understand what this scorpio season is about.
Does the weed actually make me feel more or does it inhibit my emotions? I was high on Monday but still felt the nervousness so maybe not. Idk. I don’t really know what’s going on. I don’t know.
Anyway, if you read it up to here, hi, I am A. Thank you for reading.